“On Monday, he ate through one apple. But he was still hungry” The Very Hungry Caterpillar by Eric Carle
Starting over! Starting over?? The very hungry caterpillar?? The relevance? Where do I start? Where shall I begin? Let me explain….. are you sitting comfortably? Are you ready to listen to the story? If so and if you are sure you want to hear? Then I will begin…
Once upon a time, in a time not so long ago, in a land not so far away, there lived a princess, not any princess but one who knew what it was to live in the dark. A princess who would watch the colours of life through a small window that overlooked the green fields of the kingdom called Imagination. The princess had lived a sheltered and cosseted life under the watchful eye of her domineering king, who ruled Imagination with an iron fist and installed fear into the very hearts and minds of his subjects.
Locked in the tallest tower in the land, the princess found that the joy of her life was singing and laughing with her three young children. The children adored and loved their mum with all of their heart and all of their soul and in turn she loved them back with all that she was and all she would ever be.
Ok are you getting my drift? Let’s change the tone, speed things up a bit to get to the point….
Three years! What can I say? Three days before Christmas, just over three years ago, my life completely changed. And please if anyone is thinking ‘things happen for a reason’ please, please enlighten me because I would be really, really grateful for an explanation.
Anyway, three days before Christmas, three years ago, was the beginning. No other way to do this than say it like it is! So here it is, this is what I survived:
A brutal, very public, divorce! A much younger woman and a child! Then company re-structure! Redundancy! New job! Lost all my money! Nearly lost my home! Lost my identity thanks to the bank and became a non-person!
Was re-introduced to my first love by my oldest friend and the fairytale began. And that is a total, blatant lie! It turned into a horror story that very nearly destroyed me! Narcissistic personality disorder?? And a wicked game of life! And I’m not talking about me!
Anyway then came the dark; deep darkness that threaten to destroy me all over again. I no longer knew who I was and stopped functioning! Trust gone! Faith, hope and reams demolished! I found it hard to leave the house. My confidence wrecked, self esteem had disappeared! People scared me – alot! Lost so much weight it hurt to sit down! Then found out I was ill! Follow that with anti-depressants which stopped me feeling, thinking or being, a year of therapy and something called the Freedom programme! Might give you a bit of an idea! Seems I was a complete and utter mess, two thirds of my life spent with or recovering from three serious relationships with two men!!
Don’t get me wrong there were the good times and moments which made me laugh, smile and brought me tears of happiness. My son going into the RAF, then marrying his beautiful wife. My daughters going onto university and college. Me overcoming a fear of water through surfing!
But then to top it all….. a tree fell on my house!!
Then I realised that I had, had more than enough! That life could not go on like it! And that’s when I became “a very tiny and hungry caterpillar.” Desperate for life! Desperate to live! Desperate to escape! Hungry for Life! Hungry to live! Hungry for escape!
And so now I’m chomping my way through, devouring every moment and always wanting to try something new, something that will satisfy this hunger, this hunger for life.
Looking back, I know that I was able to carrying on laughing and I always tried to see the funny side of everything. And to tell the truth, the drama, and believe me not one week went by without something happening, made into a bit of a story teller. I learnt skills that I never knew I had when I would burst into work and re-enact the moment, exaggerating words and my facial expressions to get the attention I so needed to make me feel that I was worth something! I learnt I could amuse people and make them laugh through the stories of my life.
And the future? I am madly trying everything I can! I write a little, not well, but it helps so very much. I have just started doing a little photography, just a beginner but I’m giving it a go and it means I have to leave the house to do it! I am about to start self defence lessons and have just started training for the challenge of my life to raise money for charity.
So am I starting over? No! I am transforming! I am going to feast my way through life, savouring every morsel, every flavour, every colour, every taste until the day I can finally become that beautiful butterfly. On that day I will spread my wings in the warm sunlight letting them dry before drifting on a summer breeze into the azure heavens above. And when I do I will look back and know that I never missed a moment to grow into the free spirit that made the most of the beauty of life that I have left behind.
“We delight in the beauty of the butterfly, but rarely admit the changes it has gone through to achieve that beauty” Maya Angelou